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Lottery Loss Becomes Win/Win

Opulence, diamonds, golden dreams

of  Lottery Heaven….

– A quick way out

– A simple easy fix

– A Deus-ex-Machina

the kind in antiquated Greek dramas

where a God descends to save the day…

We weeped for the success

of the right numbers

that would instantly render life

completely fixed and perfect

in one Gigantic Instant,

like a shot of heroin

with only positive side effects.

I pulled for this.

I pulled so hard

my mind became a mush

of positive affirmations and Shangri La-like visualizations

Giving way to a Fantasy Reality

that would make any fairy tale pale in comparison.

I desired this.

I desired this so acutely

that my insides became

as intense as Victoria Falls.

 

The Quick Fix that

is like finding Happiness in a Box

in the middle of a barren desert

that instantly brings the oasis of Bliss.

But, the water to quench

the parched land

quickly became a Mirage.

An Illusion

like everything else

that gets me from day to day.

And yet this time….

I do get the Transformation.

I do get to see the

Addiction of the Quick Fix

And I get to lament instead

…on Reality

How it stares one in the face

even when we bow our heads

to avoid being blinded by it.

 

Yet, I know I’ll do this Again…

…and Again….

I know I’ll pull the Illusion

out from my heart

and put it into some Crazy Action

that I can Laugh at

when I am older and wiser.

 

In the meantime, I ride the illusion

like a surfer rides a wave,

Eager to catch the next one

for it to be perfect

and make life complete and neat,

in a well wrapped package

that makes sense and is orderly.

 

Instead, I go back to mine,

my life that is not orderly

and is at times incomprehensible.

But, here in the middle,

there is a heart

that still smiles when it has something to give.

 

And so Receiving from a Lottery Win

Becomes a warm, pleasant realization

that being able to Give

is the key to being Rich.

 

 

 

 

Estimated Arrival Time that Never Made it Past Departure

You came and went

Actually, you never really got here

But we were both waiting for that

The only way you could have stayed

– was to Change

With a capital “C”

This would have been like a plastic surgery

that you could never undo

It would have been the incredible change you were waiting for

All of your life

This would have been your stay card

The secret code that got you into the Red Carpet Room

The VIP lounge

The member’s only entrance

But, you left before you got here.

I wanted you to revamp your whole way of speaking

I had it planned

Had the books you needed to read,

Was going to be your coach, your leader

Your guide to change.

I was going to teach you a new language

One of kindness, one of compassion

One of sincerity,

One of listening,

Of caring

Of really hearing another

The art of communication

From crisis to intervention

From chaos to calm

From separation

To interconnectedness through language.

I was going to have you speak in a tongue

That was neither your mother’s

Nor your father’s,

But would have changed you to be the President of anywhere

Would have had you master communication

Like a song bird singing to its mate.

I had you this way…in my mind.

I had it all figured out.

I bought the book and underlined the important parts

Highlighted everything

And bent the top of the pages for future reference

I mapped it all out,

Was going to show you the world

Through effective communication

But you never returned with an RSVP

And the VIP of Master of Ceremonies over Communication

Never even got off the ground

It never even had an engine

Never even bought the book

Never read the email that I sent

Never agreed to meet, to talk, to share

Never made it past “hello”

Before we created the “goodbye”

Where are You?

Where are you?

I pretend that you will knock on my door later this evening.

I pretend that you exist

I pretend that I know what you look like

That the sound of your voice is close to my skin

That you are perfect for me in your uniqueness

I pretend that you exist.

Do you?

Are you real?

Are you just what I created

or are you someone also looking for me?

Do you wonder where I am?

When I will show up in your life?

If our eyes will reveal our Soul Connection on first glance?

Do you wonder all of this as you lay awake at night?

Alone and pretending the pillow is another warm body

That holds you in the arms of a manifested miracle.

I do.

I wonder.

I hope.

I “see” you in my mind’s eye and hope that my imagination is real.

I hope that you are on this planet while I am,

that you are in a human body, but more than just human

Can you also be a Divine Being whose heart is made of pure Love?

That receives what I am and how I am, in this package that changes.

I am making you so evolved that we just glide through existence with ease.

I am making being with you so Fun that our laughter is the fountain of youth.

I am creating you to be a dream come true

-that thinks of me as his dream come true.

Can you be this?

Can you be this for me?

Can you knock on my door this evening,

and change the rest of my life

from wondering when you will show up

to being Thankful that you are finally here.

Can you be real also?

So that my imagination can now be used to create art pieces

And no longer be consumed with your arrival.

Can you finally get here

and stay long enough to be with me on my last breath?

This time I want to be the one that leaves first.

 

Spirit Heart

I gave you hands and feet
If you cannot use them or you do not have them,
Trace your veins to their origin.
They express your heart.
And if you cannot wave Hello and Goodbye
Walk around, run, catch a bus or trim your own toe nails,
Then trace those appendages up through their arteries,
I gave you a heart that wants to be expressed.
If you have not arms and legs to dance and sing your love to me
Then go straight to what is behind them:
I gave you a heart that beats.
What does it beat to?
What tempo makes it beat?
When does it sing softly to you, waking you up to a new reality?
What does it sing?
What makes it jump inside its casing, moving you to call its name?
What is its name and how does it call you?
I gave you a heart to express yourself.
If you have not arms nor legs, then go straight to the heart itself.
If you are tired and restless, anxious and hurried,
Complicated and complaining, tarnished and dried out,
Go straight to what I gave to you.
I gave you a Heart.
It has shape, it has purpose, it has reason, it has a need to express
It has all of you wrapped into it as it sends your blood out to your other parts
Sharing its essence with the rest of you.
Use it.
I gave it to you to express.
I created it inside of you to unlock its treasure
Only you hold its key.
Find it.
Find the rhythm of your heart and live it.
Let it beat into all of your parts.
Alive and sharing,
Shining and Magnetic,
Electric and Magical.
I gave you this heart
That is like a wish to uncover.
Follow any vein to it
Follow any path,
Only get there and use it,
Express it.
It is me. I hide inside of it.
I am Love wanting expression.

Complete Self-Love

I hear You call my name –

in my sleep,

beckoning me to awaken –

but not the awaken that morning brings –

rather to awaken to Complete Self-Love

which comes with understanding.

Understanding the nature of the Universe

and how it speaks to us and guides us –

even when we think we are lost.

Understanding ourselves

and the influence we have on our present moment

which colors the future.

Understanding the need to Focus on Good

and not focus on negative.

Understanding just how much we create –

with every thought/feeling/belief/knowing.

It is here, where we Surrender….

Surrender to Understanding

how things are the way they are

And how to bring ourselves back to center-

-easily-

slowly sipping jasmine green tea,

calming every sense,

bringing us out of the stress of uncertainty

into the Awareness of Understanding.

Letting go of controlling a river, a stream, a brook, the ocean

that flow on their own

without the influence of a troubled mind.

Peaceful, like a pot of still tea

content to just be

content in complete self-love

to finally know oneself

Centered in Acceptance.

To the Little Girl

Little Girl, Beware and be weary

Do not believe what you hear from your friends

Who watch the movies and read the fairy tales that we forbid

Do not listen to their stories,

To their wishes and fancies, woes and complaints.

They will tell you about a world of love outside of themselves

Of men loving them and them only

Of their true love sweeping them off of their feet

Forever and ever and ever

Caught in a trance dance without feet

And no ground to call home

Just a whirlwind of wishes

Without realization nor reality.

Do not listen to their sorrows

To their sob stories of the aftermath of a high that has descended

To the destruction of their soul

Through the heart of pain and broken dreams.

Do not go where they go,

I forbid you to ruin your mind and taint your future.

You are not to find love outside of yourself in the whimsy of a hormonal male

Looking to fill his cup with an empty vase that can hold his essence

Do not be void of your own sense of fullness

Do not fall prey to the trance of chemical attraction

Wait and observe, witness and be patient

If love comes at all, let it come from a different place

Do not succumb to the death of your own will

By the mesmerizing dance of seduction

It is only temporary, but is like a poison that controls to no end

Stay steadfast on your own goal,

Stay strong in your own focus.

Love may come, if it comes at all

In a calmly cultivated package of meaningful truths

But never as a substitute for your own self-love

And never as a band aid to fill emptiness with illusion

 

 

Vegan Memories

I’m in the middle,

Not the end

Reaching high

Until I reach a bend

Then going low

And wishing

I were someone else

But who would I be?

I wouldn’t be me.

I’d be someone who didn’t care about the mountains

I’d be someone who didn’t want to save cows and chickens, goats and sheep

I’d be someone who didn’t cook your vegan dinner

I’d be someone who didn’t care at all

 

I get so high

I don’t even remember my yesterday

Forgot the blues

Looking down at my shoes

And what happened the day before

When I stayed in bed till four

 

I got so high

I couldn’t even remember

That I ever got down

 

But then I crossed a border

Went south in my own soul

Drove myself into a corner

And wished that I was on another planet

That I didn’t see the bad and feel it in my veins

That I didn’t want to shoot myself to make it all over

When you kill my cousins

Just to put them on your dinner plate.

 

Then I got so high

I couldn’t even remember

That I ever had a bad day.

Didn’t remember that I cared so much

Beyond the music moving my Soul

Taking me to some unknown heaven

To take a break from this lonely planet.

 

Didn’t remember that there were others outside my doors

Being cruel to one another

Not caring about the future

Mine nor yours

Not caring about those who care

Just inflicting pain

As if to make their own less.

 

But it doesn’t.

 

I took a break from this lonely planet

Closed my eyes to the killing and shame

Wrapped myself in all my blankets

As if to shield myself from the pain.

 

I didn’t remember how rude you were

That you talked about eating my best friends

And removing their horns.

Didn’t remember that I felt ruined

When you told me you like barbeques

Knowing the grill was void of eggplant, potato and corn

And that you killed another friend

Or worse – got someone to do it for you

So you could keep looking in the mirror

Without hating your own reflection.

 

I got so high

I couldn’t even remember

That I cared so much

 

Then I went down to my knees

Forgot I ever got so high

And felt the pain all over again

When I went to the market

And passed by the butcher section

I thought I saw a leg,

I thought I saw some eyes looking back at me

With gaping open mouths,

I thought I saw ground guts and fried brains

Thought I smelled dead flesh

And saw more friends spinning slowly round in circles

By skewers piercing what was once their heart

In hot ovens, for all to see

 

I covered my eyes

And forgot I ever got so high

Forgot I ever took a break from this lonely planet

To dance instead to the music of my Soul

That wishes now to only run and hide

While you tell me again

About your new couch, cowhide.

 

I forgot I ever got so high….

 

 

 

 

Paper Heart

My heart is made of paper mache

and doesn’t hold up well in the rain.

My heart is made of paper mache

and gets blown in the wind on a stormy day

It cannot be protected from even the mildest pain

My heart is made of paper mache.

I wish I could pour bronze over it

Or bury it a thousand leagues under the sea

It wouldn’t be torn apart, or shredded, melted,

Or lost and wounded like a bewildered ghost torn from its grave.

My heart is made of paper mache

Do not look at me, I may get confused.

I may think your curiosity is interest

And weave a story of amazing love

Do not share with me your thoughts and concerns

For I might make that mean

that you want to combine your heart with mine

and make my paper heart stronger with yours, bolstering its fragility

Do not come close only to back away

For my heart is made of paper mache

And it doesn’t hold up in the rain.

 

No Rhyme, Just Reason

When we finally realize

that we’ve been given a life

-but for a long time

Lived it on another’s term

in another’s way

obligating our way to heaven

which never came anyway

Someday we realize

It’s all been a rhyme

we couldn’t wrap our beat around.

It seemed so trite and pointless,

rhyming words for no reason

just because they sounded the same

and looked similar

When we finally realize

ours doesn’t have to rhyme

nor does it have to have seams,

zippers, buttons, clasps and ties

to keep us all together

in seemingly one piece

I am not that.

But, I didn’t know it.

I didn’t know

that what really mattered to me

only mattered to me.

So I tried to make what mattered

stretch to other matters

Expand to matter to others.

When we finally realize

that some music

can only be heard by the one

playing it inside,

sometimes silently, sometimes loudly,

inside or outside,

it was only heard by the one.

When we finally realize

what matters

may only matter to us.