I feel blue,
but I don’t want to
I’d rather feel magenta or lavender
or silver or bronze,
but I feel blue.
Not the blue of a tropical ocean
beckoning you to come for a warm swim,
this is a cold blue,
an all alone blue
that is like the night sky
just before it retires into black.
It is vast, but cannot be touched,
we see it,
but cannot touch it
nor ever know it.
It is just a mass of color
that means Blue
Downcast,
Blue,
Heartsick,
Blue.
I try to be purple and pink,
but those don’t get me anywhere
I come back to Blue,
to broken pieces of myself that want to feel
something different than what it now feels.
I want to rip this blue away from me,
put it into a raging river
so that it leaves me forever,
so that I can never find it again
I don’t want to be Blue.
But you left me that day,
not intentionally,
maybe not forever
I had to find a place that was safe for you,
had to rescue you from danger,
so I picked a goat rescue
that was safe
with the more expensive Orchard hay
Yet it came with a rule:
I cannot see you
I cannot run my fingers in your fur
I cannot put my head on your horns
and lean in close
telling you how much I love you
singing to you your name
I miss you,
You and your best friend
who is also my son
Both of you who are Gold to me
who are the bright yellow of the sun,
the smile on a sunflower’s face
that forever is imprinted in my mind
as what means life to me.
I wait
I wait sometimes with hope,
sometimes with despair
for the miracle to afford goat zoned property
so that we can be reunited again
so that we can play jumping games
and the various versions of Hide-And-Go-Seek
that you invented
You are my sons
that are Goats
that are my heart.
Currently my heart is on a skewer
as I wait for the universe to shower me with the green of money
so that I can afford your care, your shelter,
Your life which means my life
Until we are united again
I am blue
the blue
of a stagnant pool
that is too cold to swim in
too murky to gain clarity
too blue without you.
You are my son Sunshine
You are my son Gerard
and I am the Blue Mama Goat
that doesn’t want to be blue.